I grew up in a Christian home where I struggled with same-sex attraction. I was the youngest child of two older sisters and one brother. My parents divorced when I was two years old and with the unstable family life, the dysfunction was evident. As a child I was quite feisty. Sad to say I was sexually abused by an individual at this time in my life and not sure what do. I later told my parents. Shortly after that situation occurred my mom and I moved out of town.

Mom is a very eccentric personality and loves the arts. I have learned a lot from my mother but times were hard for me as a little boy living with his Mom. My mom is a beautiful and talented person but was tremendously affected by a marriage gone sour. After moving closer to extended family we had to sleep in our car or motels and wash up in public restrooms before getting started in our new life. To say the least, this environment did not help me feel any more secure or safe as a kid. Later on at the age of eleven I then moved to live with my dad and stepmother. My dad was attending church at this time in his life but was a functioning alcoholic. Family life was crazy and as kids we took care of each other for the most part. All I ever wanted at this age was to connect relationally with my dad and be affirmed by the same sex.

I love both of my parents very much but we just did not understand how to relate to each other than through dysfunction. Instead of being honest about my feelings I decided that I would protect myself and then try to earn my parents love. I did this through performing well. Always doing my best in school, church, staying away from drugs and alcohol. I was a good little Christian boy. I excelled in each area and everybody loved me for it. It felt like I was high on life because I was receiving praise. But it was false praise because I was living a lie. I had stopped being emotionally honest about myself sometime ago and this stopped me from connecting to God too.

My emotional needs were not being met along with my desire to be affirmed in who I was. This caused a real deficit in my life and made me confused about how to get my basic needs met. So I began to repress my feelings and felt ashamed for having to do so. Stuffing everything inside and acting like I was not hurt did not stop the ache inside. I desperately needed relationships that would foster unconditional love and provide an environment that made me feel secure. Since this was not the case I began to believe untruths about myself. I would think thoughts like…“something must be wrong with me,” “I guess I I have to work harder or better yet kill myself.” Thoughts would go through my mind like, “maybe I’m gay.” I wondered why others rejected me and thought that if I pleased them perfectly just maybe then they would approve of me. Those relationships that I did encounter that gave me love I would suck dry because I did not know how to properly receive it but desperately needed to. My focus became centered on “me” instead of others. I was worried about basic survival let alone normalcy in life. I was a true survivalist even if I had to hurt others to meet my needs in a self-centered way. I know now that in an honest relationship with God and others there can be trust. We can have peace because God is a loving father and he wants to provide and protect us.

Instead of turning to God I began to run from him on the inside but still doing all the right things on the outside like reading my bible, going to church, etc. I turned to fantasy, pornography, clothes & friends because these things made me feel better but they never told me the truth about myself. I became a believer in these lies. What I was holding to in life was not able to sustain me or meet the core needs I had. Life only became more difficult. I began to worship the things I thought I was not worthy of. Or the people I wanted to be like. My life was filled with drama and out of control internally because I was in control and God was not allowed to have access in my world. I did not trust God because he possibly was like others that I had preceived let me down. Yet, I really had a desire to love God.

Pain with bitterness had formed a wall in my heart that cut me off from the ability to receive healthy love. I was angry at my situation, self, parents and God. I feared the world and thought that I was set-up to fail. I use to cry myself to sleep at night because I just wanted to connect with others for the person I really was and not the mask I wore. But I did not know how to do this and others could not help me with a need they did not know I had.

As I know now that in healthy relating God always comes first, yourself and then others. I have found that if I cannot receive God’s love then I cannot possibly love myself and therefore don’t really know how to freely care for others either. Well, God doesn’t give up on us!! I went on in life to graduate from college and then began to pursue a passion for serving others. God knows what we need even when we can’t ask for it. He puts the right people in our paths and circumstances that help to reveal what is causing the pain in our lives. So, now I was in full-time ministry and trying to love people but hurting myself.

I came to a crossroads in my life one day where I realized that I had to become really, really honest if I was going to rely more on God and walk in security. So, I got honest!

I went to a friend and told them that I was concerned and needed help. I wanted to be at peace with my sexual identity and my faith. This person turned out to be really unsafe. As a result my church at that time decided it would be best to send me away after the discovery of my needs. So I was sent to live at a live in program. I couldn’t believe this and thought I would never be a Christian again. Despite the harsh treatment of sending me away I knew God was with me. It is because of Jesus that I could not walk away then or now from the truth! God has shown himself trustworthy. He is real and makes a way when you think your stuck. There is nothing that can separate us from His pure love.

I returned from the live in program and later went on ministry staff at another church. It was there that God continued to pursue me out of love and respect. Three years later I decided to resign my ministry position and pursue God back. I decided to get up on the operating table and allow God to heal my root issues. I went through some hard times and learned that before situations get better they can get worse. But God will never leave you in situations where you are seeking for the truth. I knew the Lord was with me but I took some nose-dives and he was there to pick me up.

Today God has restored my life ministry and relationships. Helping me walk in wholeness and freedom from homosexuality and religion. Sometimes I’m a perfect mess but Jesus shows me the way! He doesn’t care what my issues might be as long as I am loyal to him. I have learned many lessons with Jesus and one thing is for sure…he is beautiful! He is not given enough credit. He does not act like we do as the church at times but as a father that loves his children passionately enough to give his life for them. He is ready and waiting impatiently to receive anyone that would accept his gift to come into relationship with him as dad even if we are afraid. His motto is all about serving those that are his beloved and sharing the particulars of life with. Believe on this…you and I are radically loved! God is not against you He has always been for you.

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